Authors Electric

I spent 3 weeks over the Xmas and New Year period in hospital and the (slow) recuperation process is likely to continue for several more weeks. A whingeing 'poor me' blog, however, as well as being boring and unattractive, would win few friends (or readers), especially in the context of this month's excellent and varied posts. So, instead,  I want to put some distance between me and the experience by falling  back on recycling blogs from long ago. This time, I have a sequence of three: numbers 1 & 2 are parodies of a romance (And, before aficionados of the genre complain, please remember that parody is a sincere form of flattery.) Number 3 will contain some observations on the writing process based on 1 & 2. Here, then, is part one of: THE LOVERS OF WENSLEY DALE by Kevin via Wikipedia Commons Leticia's eyes softened as she turned from the window and looked back into the cabin.  Outside, the snow was still deep, the tracks left by Roger’s Black Be...

by Bill Kirton Excellent news coinciding with the recent 200 th anniversary of the publication of Pride and Prejudice revealed that hitherto unseen fragments of alternative narrative departures had been found in the papers of a private collector in Boston . Perhaps the most startling was one revealing the author’s original account of the wooing of Elizabeth . The full text is appended below. The gentlemen had joined the ladies and the card-tables had been placed but Darcy, whose countenance betrayed quite openly the displeasure he would feel at being compelled to tolerate conversation which he was certain would be superlatively stupid, made his way into the withdrawing room where he was agreeably surprised to find Miss Bennet seated at an escritoire.      ‘Why, Miss Bennet, to be sure,’ he said. ‘I wonder that I find you here absorbed in reclusive meditation at a moment when the company is preparing to initiate the evening’s entertainments.’ ...

A facetious, totally unreliable glimpse into academia PROFESSOR DEELEY: About the rehearsal schedule … DR MCBRIDE: Can’t it wait until later? I really need to finish this critical analysis of that late Beethoven quartet which… PD: We don’t have time, McBride. You know the date, I take it? DM: Of course. it’s the 7th. Why? PD: Yes, the 7th of December. They’ll be here in a couple of weeks. DM: But this Beethoven score – I’m so close to finalising it. That b minor viola shift… PD: I know the feeling only too well, McBride. I felt exactly the same about what was to be my definitive article on Tolstoy’s debt to Victor Hugo. But there are other considerations. We must be realistic. We need to get ready. DM: Damn. Every year it’s the same. Every year I vow I’ll move to some respectable provincial university. But I never do. PD: And why would you? There’s Oxbridge, us, and the rest are nowhere. DM: I know that. But every Christmas, with all the damned tourists, the ca...

No doubt about it, blogging and social networking are inescapable and will be for a long time to come. But if you’re a writer, you need to know how it works and how you can make the most of it. So this is what happens. First, no need to write an actual novel. Just jot down a few paragraphs – enough to put extracts online now and again. You can probably get away with just a few pages. You’ll be telling the world you’re a writer and, with no evidence to the contrary, who’s going to contradict you? Just to be safe, though, prepare a few snippets of writerly wisdom. Mix and match them a bit because you want to tap into as many potential readerships as possible. Intellectuals are the easy ones. For them, just look up some huge words and juggle them into sentences. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what they mean; if they sound obscure enough no one will dare question them because that might suggest inadequacy on their part. Another easy target is the literary snob. To satisfy ...