Three Generational Living: Misha Herwin

 

When my mum was in her nineties and becoming increasingly frail, she decided that she would move into sheltered accommodation. Her house was becoming a constant source of worry and although she had support from the family and friends there were times when she admitted she felt very lonely.

In the past my sister and I had discussed the possibility of her coming to live with either one of us. We had the space, I even had the garage converted into what could be a granny bedsit, but somehow the plan never came to fruition. This was partly due to Mum’s reluctance to move away from the place she knew and her very full social life, which at the time we all thought was a good reason for her to stay where she was and we would visit whenever we could.

Once I’d retired those visits became more frequent but there was always the lurking feeling that it wasn’t enough, plus the worry of what might happen if we weren’t there. This in spite of my daughter being a swift twenty minute drive away and her granny’s first responder if there was an emergency.

So Mum’s decision was a relief. Her flat was lovely, she had her weekly bingo sessions and other activities to hand and food was in with the rent, a communal daily meal being part of the contract.

Eating properly, sleeping better and having company she flourished, until Covid struck. But that’s another story.

It was after Mum’s death and at the end of the first lockdown, when my daughter and son-in-law came up with the suggestion that we find a house together, where we could live as a three generational family. Given my experience of her final years I was more than happy to agree. I’ve always been keen on a more communal way of living.  For me the nuclear family is a recent and somewhat unnatural development and not necessarily the best way of bringing up children and living with other people. Extended families have their own problems too but there is less loneliness for the old and more help with the young. Way back in the seventies my ex-husband and I almost bought a house with friends of ours where we would share facilities, though not a kitchen, and support each other with childcare and growing our food.

Fast forward five years and here we are. We have our own separate, but adjoining house, which we’ve built in place of the existing granny annexe, which means we have a door that leads straight into each other’s homes. For some people that might be a problem, but we’ve found that everyone respects each other’s privacy. We knock, or call out before coming in and we’re certainly not in and out of each other’s space all the time. In fact some days we see very little of the rest of the family, because they are working and we are busy with our lives.

We share the occasional meal, sometimes it’s just a mid-week supper at others a special occasion. Lucy and the kids came to ours for her birthday lunch, which was the first time I’ve seen her on her birthday for decades, then I babysat while she and Jay went out for a celebratory dinner in the evening. On a practical level, I’m on hand to ferry kids to clubs when necessary and we help each other with things we’ve run out of, like the last two sheets to put on the lasagne, or de-caff coffee, in a way you don’t do with ordinary neighbours. They also have the use of our car when they need it and used our washing machine when theirs sprung a leak.

This might sound mundane but for me, especially now that Mike is suffering from mild dementia, it’s all part of caring and being cared for that is central to the whole scheme and that keeps me going on a bad day, because I know that whatever happens in the future I won't be facing it alone.

Personal circumstances apart, I know this arrangement wouldn’t suit everyone. Not all families get on and for some people there would be an issue about independence, decisions about the house and garden for example have to be taken jointly. Then there has to be a level of sensitivity and respect, plus you need to be able to get on with and most important of all to like your neighbours.