How Super is the Ego? -Musing on the many personas of the performance poet.

 

I recently watched an online clip of Robbie Williams making an acceptance speech for an award. He’d ‘like to thank drugs, alcohol, ADHD, anxiety, addiction, body dysmorphia’ – (and a whole host of other crippling conditions) ‘without which none of this would have been possible’, he tells us. Yes, it was funny, but as an author who is also a performer, I found myself relating to that strange dichotomy between self-deprecation and loud obnoxious drama-queen. You may think that we lie when we describe ourselves as socially awkward and shy – after all, we jump up to show off with the most massive egos at every opportunity. We can’t wait to grab the limelight in a blaze of ridiculous costumes and glitter – and in my case giant gold wings! But I’m here to tell you that underneath every mammoth motor-mouth is a quieter, sensible and often anxious human being. Just consider how many people in show-biz are addicts, alcoholics, reclusive, exercise junkies, dysfunctional, depressed – or use some prop or other to function or cope with everyday life. It’s such a strange thing – the desire to perform, create and entertain. It is like a compulsion – you know you love it; you know you need to do it – in fact sometimes you don’t feel like you exist otherwise – but it also steals and drains from you. It zaps your energy, and it causes more insecurity than you had in the first place! In fact, the more you do, the more successful you are at something, the worse it can get.

Many performers, me included, often feel a bit schizophrenic (I use the term loosely and not to offend anyone who really suffers from this condition). What I mean by this, is that we have several different personalities for different facets of our lives. ‘Virginia Betts’ is not the same as ‘Gin’, for instance. Quite often, ‘Virginia Betts’ is a whirlwind glitterball of energy. She struts around like a star who’s already ascended to the stratosphere (rather than a bit familiar in and around Suffolk). She can be noisy, confident, impulsive, funny, obnoxious, OTT, sweary, poised, drunken, crazy, mad, childish, busy, ‘a superwoman’ (as described many times), a workaholic (true), professional, (true) larger than life, loved (and occasionally hated!). And let’s talk about that last point, shall we? Virginia Betts has often stuck her neck out to be helpful but occasionally been mis-interpreted as self-serving. A ‘narcissist’ who lives craving attention; an ‘ego-maniac’; ‘self-satisfied’; ‘unhinged’; ‘rude’ (once famously described as ‘the rudest person I have ever met in 30 years’!) ‘inappropriate’; ‘aggressive’; ‘foul-mouthed’; (yes, she wrote that sweary punk book). She’s been sacked from a few ordinary jobs, she’s clashed with (so-called) authority, she’s been ghosted by a band she once sang with, and she’s even been chucked out of a writer’s group. 

 

Some of you, though, have met ‘Gin’. If the alter-ego can be a bit larger-than-life, ‘Gin’ is the opposite. The real person behind the persona, ‘Gin’ is really nice to be honest. Gin does not have anything like the monstrous ego necessary to get your ass up on stage in front of an audience for some soul-exposing words. (a much more tricky one than acting in a part as someone else). Gin likes to lounge on the sofa watching crap telly, binging box-sets, reading and occasionally motivating herself to get on with a bit of work. Gin likes wrapping up in a blanket, living in PJs and eating pasta. Gin enjoys quiet and tranquil times – swimming, walking, sitting with her husband or watching Doctor Who with her son. Gin is shy and anxious. She worries too much about other people and what they think, but she always tries to be nice to people. Gin is studious and serious. She is hyper-self-critical but never sees negatives in others. Gin can get occasionally very angry or frustrated, but she tries to find the funny and smiley in things and she has never really experienced jealousy of others, (because she’s got a good life so what is the point?) except when it’s been directed at her for god-knows-what reason, because let me tell you living in her hyperactive head with actual body-dysmorphia going rampant, and constant flitting about from one thing to another can be a bit of an exhausting nightmare tbh. Gin finds it hard to sleep, so she reads at night. She’s got the most brilliant memory but can’t remember to buy basic things from the shop, she finds housework a real struggle, and she has a recurring dream about driving over a flyover to her certain death. 

 

‘Gin’ and ‘Virgina Betts’ are also different incarnations from ‘Virginia Betts, Tutor’ and ‘Virginia Betts, author’ and for that matter, ‘Virginia Betts, Poet.’ All these people struggling for dominance…it’s definitely the nature of the beast which might collectively go under the umbrella term of ‘creative and entertainer.’ You’ll find ‘Gin’ hidden away in every single one of her books and poems, one way or another – take a look more closely. But if you do happen to know the real me, if you make the effort to understand that one, you’ll probably find it rewarding. 

 

Anyway, the Freudian id – that crazy creature called Virginia Betts will have to show up in a couple of weeks for an interview and another performance. In the meantime, I’m off to veg on the couch and watch some crap telly. Anyone want to join me?

 

Love, Gin xx