Smart Misnomers - Katherine Roberts

Misnomers (i.e. a name incorrectly or unsuitably applied) can make me amused, creative, irritated or angry, depending on context. They often arise quite innocently because something was named long before its correct nature was known, or because an earlier form of something has since been replaced by something to which the name no longer really applies. Some historical misnomers of this type include tinfoil (now aluminium), pencil lead (now graphite), and MOT test (the UK's Ministry of Transport no longer exists).

Moving into the 21st century, we have the smartphone - not just a phone any more, and arguably only as smart as whoever is using it... until we get Artificial Intelligence (AI), of course, another potential misnomer since intelligence surely applies to organic brains and not to a vast store of digital knowledge programmed by soaking up everything those brains have produced? A smartphone these days is also a camera, satnav, bank card, and miniature computer, often with more apps than the average laptop (another misnomer, since using a laptop on your actual lap is not recommended these days). So, if you're still with me and not distracted by something else on your smartphone, why not call this amazing piece of tech something else that suggests a portable computer capable of making calls, navigating the world, videoing social media posts, and taking photos etc? I include a list of possible alternatives below. I'm sure you can think of a few more.

Handcomp 

Callcam 

Crackscreen (I heard on the radio the other day that 40% of us are using a damaged phone with a cracked screen... I also quite like the suggestion of addiction here. Not addicted to your phone? Really?)

Clever Mobile (or Clever Cell if you're American)

Obsessive Compulsive Scrolling Device.

Several other smart devices could be considered misnomers, but the one that makes me shout at the radio lately is smartspeaker. "Ask your smartspeaker to play Radio gaga." Yours has probably got a friendly name like Alexa or Siri and speaks in soothing tones back to you? Well, it obviously needs to listen too, or it won't be able to hear your spoken commands, so why not call it a smartear? Or a smartsnooper (if it listens when you don't really want it to)? Possibly a more accurate name would be smartinterpreter (for AI), but that probably wouldn't sell.

I blame that clever word smart... sounds intelligent, doesn't it? Desirable, even. We talk about smart people, and in business goals SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic/Relevant, Timely, all good stuff. But when applied to our smart devices, it stands for Self-Monitoring Analysis and Reporting Technology, which suggests to me an alternative meaning of smart (i.e. what you feel after a hard slap). If this is true, then our smartphones and smartspeakers and smart everything-elses are analysing everything we say and do and reporting it somewhere. In fact, this will be the lifeblood of the fast approaching Internet of Things (IoT) powered by AI, and so we come full circle. Maybe smart devices are not actually misnomers at all, we're just being programmed to think they are.

*

Katherine Roberts won the inaugural Branford Boase Award in 2000 for her fantasy novel Song Quest.

You can read ebook editions of all her books on your portable-callcam-crackscreen-thingy, including some free short stories. This one features Queen Boudicca's daughters and is suitable for YA/teen readers.

Empire of the Hare
(free epub)

Find out more at www.katherineroberts.co.uk