How Fat Elvis Murdered Princess Di--by Reb MacRath

Imagine the impossible: that the publishing industry hasn't changed since the 1980s, when Horror was the red hot thing and anything could sell. Allow for that, then take my word: a well-connected agent could sell a book today about Fat Elvis killing Diana. And he could sell it on spec. 

When High Concept is king, the books half-write themselves. You begin with a premise, life-like or absurd, then continue asking questions until you have your story:

1) How could Fat Elvis have murdered the princess when he died almost exactly twenty years before her?

2) Why Fat Elvis instead of Thin Elvis?

3) Should the villain be an Elvis impersonator or the vengeful ghost of Elvis?

4) What possible connection could there have been between Fat Elvis and the princess, who was sixteen years old when he died?

5) How can I handle the whole thing without enraging fans of Diana or the King?

6) What if Fat Elvis didn't really kill her--not the real Diana? What if a, well, manitou* or djinn* had taken on Diana's form and Fat Elvis killed it to save her?

Not a thought of character, setting or theme have entered into the process so far. Everything is geared toward pulling off the Concept: convincingly and profitably.

Some fun books and films can result from this tack: Time After Time, with Jack the Ripper in the present, pursued by H. G. Wells...Snakes on a Plane...Cowboys and Aliens...But none of them nourish or fill us for long. The books and the films that stay with us tend to be far more organic: character, setting, theme and plot meticulously blended into one rich tapestry.

But great books are the bane of the Hollywood scouts because they don't make for quick pitches. No A or B Meets C or D applies to superior work; we can't fit the precis on the back of a stamp. Want a world-class headache? Imagine yourself as unpublished Stieg Larsson attempting to market his work in New York.

That said, now and then I wonder if Fat Elvis did kill Diana. And I know I could have sold a book called Goolie Gobblers: about toilet demons who snap off the goolies of Scotsmen who visit to do business. After all, I'd have had a long list of questions. Why do they only feed on Scotsmen? Are Scottish goolies packed with special vitamins? What do the demons do after goolie gnoshing? You know, we could have a winner here--with a small part for Fat Elvis.

*Two affectionate nods to British horror writer Graham Masterton--who could pull off a high concept novel bordering on the absurd because of his elegant style and wit. You can almost imagine him asking 'How the hell can I pull off a book about that?'...then laughing delightedly as he began. He's a wonderful writer, and well worth a look, if you haven't discovered him yet. 


cally phillips said…
Best make that 12/3 for those of us living in the UK. 12th March for surety! Otherwise many of us will be waiting for 3rd December.
Chris Longmuir said…
Yes. You do realize that us Brits will read that as 3 December!
madwippitt said…
Eeeeeurgh. I just had breakfast! (Although I reckon that Gooliegobblers haunt Scottish bogs because of the easy access to kilt wearing Scots who go commando. Elementary!
Jan Needle said…
come on reb, don't keep us in suspense! did elvis really kill her? could he have fitted into a fiat uno? was prince philip the eminence grise?
Dennis Hamley said…
Philip is always the eminence grise. Didn't you know that Jeffrey Archer was his illegitimate son? I saw that on the BBC so it must be true.
Bill Kirton said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bill Kirton said…
I'm really glad I finished my morning's ablutions before I logged on and learned of the existence of Gooliegobblers. Anything else lurking here in Scotland that I should know about?
Nick Green said…
Graham Masterton! Now there's a blast from my past. I remember being scared half to death as a young teenager by his 'Charnal House', about the American Indian demon Coyote. That kicked off my Horror reading phase. Magnificently preposterous stuff.
Nick Green said…
Just googled Graham Masterton and discovered that he has written a scary number of books... and a simply mind-boggling number of sex instruction manuals.

What have I done with my life.
glitter noir said…
Nick, I'm glad you share my liking for Masterton's books.I suspect he has stories to tell, which he never will tell, about his days with Penthouse. He spent enough time in the States to write convincing American dialogue. I interviewed him long ago. A charmer. Dennis and Bill, you should be safe. I've heard the demons prefer goolies from the Highlands.
Debbie Bennett said…
Fairly sure I've had dinner with the man at a convention once...
Lee said…
Nick, maybe sex instruction manuals are a horror genre in themselves.
Sandra Horn said…
Yah, because the King is NOT DEAD! 'There's a feller down our chip shop says he's Elvis''ve strayed into non-fiction here, matey - apart from the Goolie Gobblers, I hope.

Popular posts

A Few Discreet Words About Caesar's Penis--Reb MacRath

The Year of Just Being There: Dipika Mukherjee looks back at 2016

A Week of Three Libraries -- Julia Jones

Close Reading | Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose | Karen Kao

Rules is Rules, discovers Griselda Heppel, Even When They're Not.