IT'S ABOUT TIME by VALERIE LAWS

Slippery stuff, Time. 

Aarrgghh it’s my time of the month again! No not that one, shame really as I rather like waterskiiing, being towed on skates by dogs, parachuting and all the other pastimes enabled by the purchase of a box of Tampax. I mean my monthly Authors Electric blog post day, viz and to whit, today. It’s frankly terrifying how quickly that day comes around, and it’s speeding up all the time.

Tampax are wonderful - you can do stuff like this!

Time is funny stuff, infinitely flexible – unlike most things, it speeds up as we age. On Christmas night, as a child, it seems like a lifetime until Christmas day will come again, but now, it hardly seems worth putting the decos back in the attic before they’ll have to be lugged down again. Weeks fly by. It always seems to be Thursday. Time sprints when we have a lot to do and a tight deadline, or something fabulous happening, but then it drags, such as when you are waiting in Accident and Emergency.

Note to self: install fainting couch in bathroom.

Speaking of which, in my last post I wrote of the old New Year’s Eve custom of first-footing, in which a tall dark man crosses the threshold first after midnight, to ensure a lucky and prosperous year ahead. That was only a couple of weeks ago, and last week, I fainted in the bathroom and came round with a broken nose. If only I’d thought to give my boyfriend some smelling salts to bring in with the salt, matches, bread and booze, or perhaps a plastic surgeon. As it is, I have a lovely new colour-schemed face, yellowy green with purple highlights, and when I venture out I’m greeted with Looks which suggest I’m being judged as a hapless drunk. I prefer to think it's fear instilled by my resemblance to a prizefighter. Still, I have the nose-straightening appointment to look forward to at the end of this week. (It was vasovagal syncope wot did it.)

What happens if you DON'T put a fainting couch in the bathroom.

Normally dates and deadlines are my friends, I work well under that kind of pressure, but more and more, I’m finding they come round so fast it’s harder to beat them (which suggests I beat my friends, but only those who ask really nicely).

I’m ashamed to admit that several Things To Do which I planned have not yet been done. I took my Kindle books off Amazon Select with a view to formatting them for other ebooks. This still hasn’t happened. I haven’t yet got round to sorting out the new horrible EU VAT regs for my ebooks either, despite the kind efforts of my lovely AE colleague Chris Longmuir who covers it here.

Apparently there is a deadline for this too after which Amazon expel you from KDP paradise. Eeek! April is galloping ever closer like the cruelest month it is (T S Eliot was right, despite having a name which is an anagram of toilets) after which we self-employed sole traders have to gather up every few squid earned and spent during the tax year with a view to giving the lads and lasses of the Revenue a hearty laugh. The deadlines keep on coming and we have to run faster and faster, with wearier and wearier legs, to keep up. Still, exercise is good for you and the best defence against Alzheimer’s.

'Tax return,gasp, ebook formatting, wheeze, web updating, pant... oh & new writing!'

I’ve started a new medical poetry project, at least, in between feeling woozy and admiring my new face, and have sets to plan for readings coming up very soon. And looking on the bright side, I could have fainted onto something much deadlier and nastier than the good old friendly floor (or possibly bathroom unit door handle on the way down) which was considerate enough to break my fall. Already some grim possibilities are cooking in my bemused brain for future crime plots – for a writer, everything is material! From the floor, the only way is up (unless you’re in a nuclear power plant). It's about time this nose healed and I got on with my life...

Available in paperback from me or Red Squirrel Press

Available on Kindle or paperback from Red Squirrel Press

Visit my website: http://www.valerielaws.com for info on my 13 books, my plays, installations and performances

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