How Not to Write a Novel: N M Browne
Every serious writer is a master of procrastination. I am sure that, if you are reading this, you are already on track. However, if you are running out of ideas, I would like to share with you my top procrastination tips. I can guarantee that if you follow these, you will never finish a novel again.
1. Make a ‘to do’ list.
If you think list-making helps avoid procrastination, you are doing it wrong.
There is only one possible pad you can use for list making and only one pen. You keep them in any one of several places about the house. To find them you will have to clean your office/workspace, reorganise your bedside cabinet and clear all kitchen surfaces. Clearing kitchen surfaces necessitates making room in your cupboards. Your pen is obviously a cartridge pen which takes only one (obscure) brand of cartridges which are rarely in stock anywhere, necessitating several hours online and/or a shopping expedition.
Once you have the correct pen and pad for list-making, begin with at least four tasks that are impossible. I suggest things like getting to the bottom of the laundry basket, upgrading your website, filing your emails and preparing your tax return. Do no writing until they are done.
2. Research.
Before writing a book you must research broadly , particularly if you don’t know what the book is going to be about. This may involve foreign travel, shopping trips, visits to the cinema/gym/art gallery/theatre etc in order to overhear interesting conversations, get a feel for a possible novel setting etc. It is essential to engage in random internet trawling, facebook interaction, and book buying.
You will need to read everything and, if you are really serious, take notes. Always keep notes in a special notebook (as above.) Draw lots of maps and diagrams and make lists of possible character names. Write all notes illegibly in longhand so that, in the unlikely event you ever want to access the information in your notebook, you will have to track down the original note source and read it again. Under no circumstances have a plan.
You will need to read everything and, if you are really serious, take notes. Always keep notes in a special notebook (as above.) Draw lots of maps and diagrams and make lists of possible character names. Write all notes illegibly in longhand so that, in the unlikely event you ever want to access the information in your notebook, you will have to track down the original note source and read it again. Under no circumstances have a plan.
In order find the best agent/publisher and sell your book in shedloads read all the posts on internet chat rooms that deal with writing and the publishing industry. Sign up for mailing lists and join online writing communities. Blog and read other bloggers. Post compulsively about your ideas and worries. Ask for advice and dispense it. Get into arguments.
Change your mind about the marketability of the book you might like to write. Think about writing another one. Repeat as necessary.
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