On the twelfth day of Christmas, my fairy-godmother gave to me:
- 12 drummers drumming - they're always the best looking guys in the rock band, aren't they? A bit noisy if they're all drumming at the same time, though.
- 11 pipers. Really not sure what I'm going to do with them yet, and I don't think the neighbours will appreciate them practising. Especially with the drummers.
- 10 lauds, praise and glory from people who love my books. Amazon reviews will do nicely, thank you. Or smashwords. Perhaps The Times literary supplement is aiming a bit high?
- 9 ladies to appear on Loose Women, Oprah and any other chat shows and discuss my books. My own personal book club. If they want to dance, that's fine by me.
- 8 maids to clean my house and wash my clothes so that I don't have to bother with housework and can concentrate on writing. Actually, one of them can pretend to be me and do my day job.
- 7 swans-a-swimming on the lake in the grounds of the Jacobean mansion I'll be buying when the 4 Hollywood moguls sign me up.
- 6 geese. One for a late Christmas dinner and the other five I'll get the 9 ladies to cook and take up to the local old folk's home. The 11 pipers can go too and perform some carols while the 8 maids sing (when they've finished the housework).
- 5 gold rings - tickets for the olympics in London so I can take my daughter to see the gymnastics. Or just five gold rings. Or any gold will do. I don't want to be fussy.
- 4 calling cards from Hollywood moguls who want to offer me film options. Actually, Pinewood will do - I wasn't that impressed with LA on the short visit I made a couple of years ago.
- 3 french ebook sales because I've not yet had a single sale on amazon.fr
- 2 turtle-neck sweaters from the relations who always buy you the same things every year for Christmas. But they'll be welcome if it's as cold as last winter was. And some mittens for typing on a frozen keyboard.
- And a partridge ... no, forget the partridge, as I don't want to eat one and I'm not green-fingered enough to keep a pear-tree alive. How about number 1 in the best-sellers list instead? That would be the best Christmas present ever!
Pass the wine. I hope 2012 brings you all you desire!