The Return of Aunty Debbie ...
I do love these occasional witterings I post. I’m sure they completely lower the tone of this blog, but I like to think I’m making us accessible to all. I just did a search – insofar as that’s actually possible in this abomination of a blog platform since Google decided to improve Blogger – and I was surprised to see there are quite a few days where Aunty Debbie has bestowed the wisdom of her years of experience of life, the universe and everything. Well, a bit of crappy writing, anyway …
Dear Aunty Debbie. I want to write a book. What should I do?
Erm – write? It really is that simple. Bum on seat and words on paper or screen.
But how do I get it published?
How do you get what published? You haven’t written anything yet. One step at a time.
So what should I write about?
What inspires you? What do you like to read?
I don’t like reading. I’d rather watch tv. But I travel a lot and all my friends say I should write a book about it and make lots of money.
Do you keep a diary of your travels?
No, it’s mostly boring stuff.
So why would you think other people might want to pay money to read it?
Well, I could spice it up a bit. Maybe add some stuff in that didn’t really happen. Do you think that would work?
OK, so we’re talking about fiction now, are we? Your fictional journey around Britain.
That sounds like fun. I guess I should start at the beginning when I was born. I can describe the beautiful countryside and how my mum and dad met.
Is it relevant to the story?
Of course it is. How will the reader know, if I don’t describe everything about both my parents and write all about my childhood? It's really important that the reader knows exactly what I look like.
Oh – so this is a memoir? And something happened early in your childhood which changed the direction of your life?
Not really, no. Do you think I should invent something to be more interesting? Perhaps I was abducted by aliens! That’d be exciting, wouldn’t it? Or maybe I’m really a secret princess in exile from a parallel world.
Which is it?
I don’t know. What do you think?
Well, what do you want to write about?
Whatever will make me the most money. Which publisher should I approach?
That depends on what you write, and how much time and effort you are prepared to put into this.
How about you give me some ideas, I’ll scribble them down before Coronation Street and then you can have a look and tell me how good it is?
My rate is between £5 and £20 per 1,000 words.
You’ll pay me £20 for every 1,000 words I write? Wow! I knew this writing lark was an easy way to make money. I’ll stuff it through your letterbox later tonight and you can get it back to me by 10 am tomorrow. Yes, of course I know where you live – I’ve been following you online for a few years now and when I found out where your daughter went to school, it was easy to be there and then follow you home. In fact, I’m sitting outside your house in my car right now. Maybe I should just come in while you pop the kettle on and we can have a quick chat about my career ...
And Aunty Debbie dashes out of the back door and contemplates the new crime novel she might write about internet stalking …
A compilation of various really, truly, honest facebook posts, with just a little garnish of fabrication and humour. But honesty, you couldn't make some of it up.