A CRIME WRITER COOKS! by Chris Longmuir
This month I thought I would tempt you with something from the Authors Electric recipe book Cooking the Books. as you can see it's a mix of the ridiculous and the helpful. You may find a recipe to suit you within the pages, or you may prefer just to have a laugh with us as we tackle this alien enterprise. After all, we are writers, not celebrity cooks.!
Excerpt from Cooking the Books
Cooking – definition – an unpleasant occupation but
something you have to do to ensure continued life. It requires a well stocked
cupboard, fridge and freezer. An aptitude to combine any ingredients found into
something palatable. And a burning desire to take part in Ready, Steady, Cook!
Are you sitting comfortably? We shall begin.
TAKE STOCK
Contents of Detective Sergeant Bill Murphy’s fridge – a
prehistoric egg, bacon with white wriggly things on it, cheese that is green
and furry, and something indistinguishable (Bill can’t remember what it was!).
Contents of Chris’s fridge – don’t know, haven’t looked in
there for yonks!
Cooking tools – Chris doesn’t know what most of them are
for, but she has a great library of beautiful cookery books. She bought them to
drool over the pretty pictures.
Check freeze, choose from a selection of ready meals, remove
cardboard sleeve, pierce film top with a knife (remember to remove it from the
body and clean the blood off), and nuke for the required amount of minutes in
the microwave.
Job done.
EXCEPTION TO THE RULE
Once a year Chris is sentenced to cook. She dines well with
family providing great festive meals over Christmas and the New Year, but then
comes payback time. Yes, you’ve guessed it. It’s time to invite the family to
the annual post New Year dinner. Well, one has to show willing!
LETS GET STARTED
Switch off computer. Lock study door. Hide iPad. Close eyes,
relax, and go ‘Um’ over and over again in an attempt at self hypnosis. Give up
and get started.
Remove turkey crown from freezer in garage. Imperative to
take this out at least 2 to 3 days beforehand to thaw out.
Check freezer – no turkey crown – forgot to buy.
Go to supermarket – no turkey crowns left. Scream!
Visit friendly butcher, get talked into buying a haunch of
venison. Take it home. Look at it. Scream!
Check cookery books. Some lovely pictures but no venison.
Unlock study door. Switch on computer. Google ‘How to cook
venison’. Read several and groan. Too complicated.
Choose the simplest one, and check for ingredients:
Haunch of venison – got that.
Marinade – what the heck’s a marinade? Oh, well I suppose
it’s not really necessary.
3/4 lb fat bacon strips ( I thought we’d gone metric, but I
know what pounds and ounces are).
1/4 pint of burgundy (Another run to the supermarket to buy
it).
Seasoning – that’s salt and pepper isn’t it? At least I know
that.
1/2 lb butter (I definitely have that, margarine or spreads
never darken my door).
Olive Oil (Yup! Got that as well).
1 tablespoon of flour (I don’t suppose it will matter how
old it is!).
Juice of half a lemon or orange ( it will have to be an
orange, I don’t like lemons).
Execution
Marinate the haunch for 24 hours – How the heck do you do
that? Go off and check the internet.
OK now I’ve found out what a marinade is so let’s get
started.
First of all find a tin or dish big enough to hold the
venison and add the ingredients of the marinade to it;
4-6 tablespoons of olive oil;
1/2 bottle of red wine (another run to the supermarket);
1 onion sliced (wipe tears from eyes);
3 sprigs parsley;
1 bay leaf;
1/4 teaspoon thyme.
Mix them all together and put the venison into the dish,
making sure the marinade coats it completely.
Leave the venison in the marinade for 24 hours.
Take it out the next day, rub it with oil, dab it all over
with the butter, and wrap the bacon strips round it.
Now wrap it loosely in foil and place in the oven at
190C/375F/gas mark 5 (Don’t know what the first two are so I set my gas oven at
5).
Cook for 20 mins per pound, and baste every 10 minutes (How
the heck do I do that when it’s wrapped in foil?).
Relax with remainder of wine and enjoy the aroma of roasting
venison.
15 minutes before the end of the cooking time, unwrap the
venison, remove the bacon strips and sprinkle flour over the top of the meat.
Baste well and return to a hot oven for 10-15 minutes.
Place venison on serving dish and pour away all the fat in
the roasting tin except for 1 tablespoon. Add flour and cook until brown.
Gradually add the burgundy, and lemon or orange juice. Bring
to boil, stirring all the time, and simmer for a few minutes. Add the
seasoning.
Serve the venison with redcurrent jelly.
I’m sure you’ll all be pleased to know that it looked okay,
and nobody complained. Quite surprising considering Chris cooked it!
THE SWEET AND DEADLY
STUFF
A festive meal is not complete without a selection of
sweets, or puddings, if you prefer.
Select biggest one from supermarket freezer;
Remove cardboard box;
Allow 2-3 hours to thaw;
Serve.
Fruit salad
Buy a selection of tins of fruit from supermarket;
Open tins with electric tinopener;
Plonk contents in a bowl;
Serve.
My Special Sweet and Sour Pud
Ingredients:
Biggest size double cream;
Biggest size natural yogurt;
Enough tinned fruit (or fresh if you like) to cover bottom
of a fairly large shallow dish; It’s best to have something tart like
raspberries, blueberries, cranberries etc. My favourite is tinned fruits of the
forest;
Brown sugar.
Execution:
Whip cream until thick, add yogurt and mix together;
Layer fruit on bottom of dish;
Top with the cream and yogurt mixture;
Sprinkle brown sugar on top;
Place in fridge for several hours until the brown sugar
looks melted.
And that’s it, folks. that’s how a crime writer prepares a
festive dinner. Thank goodness there are 364 days between each banquet!
If you want to buy a copy of Cooking the Books to see what other writers get up to when faced with a hot stove, then you'll find it here Amazon UK and Amazon US
If you want to buy a copy of Cooking the Books to see what other writers get up to when faced with a hot stove, then you'll find it here Amazon UK and Amazon US
Chris Longmuir.
Author of the Dundee Crime
Series
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