Resolved! - Karen Bush

New Year is not just about partying ...

Because, as you will of course all know, they not only understand every word I say, but are perfectly capable of communicating a few choice ones themselves, I thought it timely to have a chat with my two office assistants, Archie and Angel, about making some New Year Resolutions:

ANGEL: But our ears are always naked.

ME: [baffled] What?

ARCHIE: [patiently] Our ears are always naked. Unclothed. Exposed. Without coverings.

ME: Oh … right. I think you may have misheard. I was asking about your New Year Resolutions, not nude ears.

ARCHIE: Well you should have said. Honestly, your diction is getting worse. No-one would believe you had elocution lessons in your youth.

ANGEL: And even they weren’t successful. In England everyone commented on your Irish accent and in Ireland they commented on your English accent.

ARCHIE: But we blame the pupil, rather than the teacher.

ANGEL: Yeah! Tin ear!

ARCHIE: Tin ears!

ME: [patiently] Let’s not talk about ears. Let’s discuss your resolutions for the next twelve months instead.

ANGEL: Will it involve turkey?

ME: [cautiously] Probably not.

ANGEL: Then what is the point?

ME: It’s about self-improvement.

ARCHIE: [incredulous] You think it possible to improve upon us? Perhaps you could give us an example?

ME: Well … how about not pooping right under really low hanging branches?

ARCHIE: So how does that benefit us?

ME: It doesn’t. That’s not what New Year resolutions are about.  It would simply make it is easier for me to pick the poops up.

ANGEL: But you said New Year resolutions were about self-improvement.

ME: Well, yes … but also about being more caring and considerate.

ANGEL: We are very caring. Do we not snuggle up to you and make you feel loved, even when you have run out of Christmas turkey?

ME: Yes, you do, and it’s wonderful. But when you jump into bed for a cuddle, how about not stretching your legs out as long as they will go, and then sticking your paws into me? It’s very uncomfortable.

ARCHIE: We have never found it uncomfortable. And as telescopic legs with pokey paws attached are all part of our genetic makeup, it is outside our power to do anything about them.

ANGEL: You should have picked a dachshund if you wanted short legs.

ME: [sighing] Maybe you should just skip making any resolutions this year. Because like Mary Poppins, you are already practically perfect in every way.

ARCHIE: Ahem! Could you be a little more accurate please? As a writer, you are supposed to understand the importance of precise communication. The correct choice of words is essential. Perhaps you should make it one of your own New Year Resolutions, since you are so keen on them.

ME: [sighing] You are, as always, absolutely right. Let me rephrase that. You are already perfect in every way.

ARCHIE & ANGEL: Resolved!

            Ears the way nature intended.