GUILTY DISPLEASURES by VALERIE LAWS

Fuelled partly by guilty displeasures...

I've been enjoying, and contributing to, a facebook thread of Julie Burchill's about 'guilty displeasures' - we are all familiar with guilty pleasures, but Mark Mason, in his Spectator column, has exposed some of his GDs, things he hates which are supposed to be cool. In his case, strawberries, Ella Fitzgerald, and champagne head the list. This has got me thinking and raging about my own guilty displeasures, such as classical music. Virtually all of it does nothing for me, though I have a liking for early polyphonic choral music such as William Byrd. Classical music makes a nice soundtrack in films playing in the background while you are watching stuff happen. Classical concerts are the worst, watching people do something totally not visually interesting, with no way of alleviating the tedium. I've been assumed to like it many many times because I'm involved in 'the arts' and have caused shockwaves by saying I don't like it but there it is. I firmly believe that the old composers would have loved to live now, when they could put out their music electronically, as it sounds much better that way, cf William Orbit's 'Barber's Adagio' or Beethoven's 9th done on synthesiser for the film of Clockwork Orange. Don't like jazz either, they just make it up and it never seems to end or indeed, go anywhere. Sadly quite a lot of otherwise good books have protagonists who like jazz or classical, which doesn't help me to relate to them at all.

Never mind Harry Potter, bring back The Worst Witch!

Where entire books are concerned, I hereby admit that Harry Potter in every incarnation leaves me utterly cold. Yes, yes, anything that gets kids reading is a good thing yadda yadda, but why some adults gush about the books is a mystery to me. I got dragged to one of the later films for a mate's birthday and practically had to gnaw my own leg off to avoid dying of boredom. Disliking HP is treated as blasphemy on social media and in real life come to that, and is often assumed to be based on envy of his creator's big bucks. However I've a soft spot for JK because she pays her taxes and I'm happy she's a big success.

Great book, but two characters need a good kicking!

Other guilty displeasures have in fact fuelled my work, in particular my Austen comedy novel, LYDIA BENNET'S BLOG. (And here in the US.) Apart from championing Lydia Bennet, who gets a bum deal in the book though she gets to shag the gorgeous George W, I have to say right here and now that though I love the book and all of Austen's novels, Darcy does nowt for me. Hence I enjoy Lydia's total lack of respect for 'Arsey Darcy' in my book. Let's face it, even Jane A had to bring in his enormous... acreage and stately home to make him attractive, and his saintly act re Lydia's wedding also protected his own good name, since he was after Lizzy. He's tall. And rude. But rich. Big deal. And the whole wet shirt thing was only on the TV, despite some seeming to now believe Jane invented the scene. Be not shocked though, the vast numbers of Darcy-swooners have got their revenge, as the gazillions of romances about Darcy the ultimate alpha male etc etc have swamped my cynical flight of fancy and filthy laughs, so it's either assumed to be another of the swarm and hence unspotted by fellow rebels, or bought by people seeking same who don't like it. I also dislike heartily that misogynistic, lazy, selfish, abusive father figure, Mr Bennet, who seems to be widely liked. He sits on his arse in his library doing absolutely nowt and mocking his wife to his daughters, amused by her desperate attempts to get them married - hilarious, that they'll all be homeless, literally, when he dies unless some of them do marry, as in Sense & Sensibility, but he won't be affected so why bother doing anything about it? What a charmer. So I give him a good kicking in my book as well.

Do you have any guilty displeasures in literature or in life?

Find out more about my doings on valerielaws.com (books, art installations etc)

Some of my thirteen books, including crime novels, are now on Kindle UK US, iBooks UK US, Kobo, Nook and more, on all platforms worldwide.