Monday, 29 April 2019

One of those days: N M Browne


Some days I struggle to come up with anything blog worthy.You might say that has never stopped me before and you wouldn’t be wrong, but today it did. I addressed this problem as I do too many others by drinking black coffee and eating dark chocolate. Apparently, liking both those things makes me a psychopath. I stare out of the window and immediately get a great idea of a story. But I am not going to write a story, am I? I have to say something interesting about publishing or writing, or the creative life.I eat a second square of chocolate. Apparently, it contains anti-oxidants which is good for my brain. There is no obvious immediate impact. I return to contemplating the garden. The large tree at the bottom of the garden needs to be removed. I think it knows. I see something baleful and potentially threatening about the way it is waving at me in the wind. A second cup of coffee is called for. I should have started this yesterday or maybe even earlier. I should have drafted something on a day when I was trying to write a story and therefore had ten great ideas for a blog post or a day when I had to do housework and would have written five thousand words on anything to avoid cleaning toilets. I curse myself for indolence and stare out of the window some more. My husband who has already achieved several hundred useful things this morning looks at me questioningly.  ‘I’m working,’ I lie. ‘I’m writing a blog post.’ We have been married a long time so he doesn’t point out the lack of writing implements or lap top. He offers me another coffee. In addition to the fact that liking bitter coffee suggests you are a psychopath too much, apparently, causes anxiety. Maybe I need to be more anxious about the blog post? I’m not sure that will help and politely refuse. I still have nothing to blog about. So here instead are the three story ideas that I considered writing:
1.     A poor girl at some as yet unspecified historical time receives an expensive gift that she needs above all else. I think it might be a dress or necklace to wear to dazzle a would be wealthy husband/ warrior/whatever. If she accepts it, as she will, her soul will forever be in hock to the psychopathic Witch Queen. The Queen will use her to destroy the wealthy husband/warrior/whatever.
2.     An ancient tree is felled and as it falls all the consciousness and memory of the oak finds its home in the mind of a young girl walking past. She finds she speaks the language of trees, and becomes a ecological activist with a tendency to stand outside conferences in cold weather stark naked, swaying gently to unseen winds.
3.     A middle aged writer unable to get sufficient interest in her blog post takes up baby stealing and cat kid nap in order to get millions of hits on her vacuous youtube channel. She also starts a true crime blog about the attempts of a fictional black-coffee-drinking, implausibly dim detective to arrest  her for her crimes. She is incredibly successful but can’t enjoy it because she has to look after too many babies and cats.

Sorry, that’s all I’ve got today. Perhaps I need a more inspirational brand of chocolate?



3 comments:

Sandra Horn said...

Ha ha ha! What a great post! PLEASE write story three...

Sue W said...

Story 2 made me laugh too. Keep up with the chocolate!

Bill Kirton said...

Write all three - It'll make a great trilogy and satisfy many groups of readers. I loved the post - a study in familiar angst. Not sure I was all that happy to discover I have psychopathic tendencies, though. (Only tendencies in that I find chocolate irresistible but can do without coffee - black or white).
Now go and sort out that tree before it possesses you.