A soliloquy which failed to make the final cut by Bill Kirton

Sometimes I cheat with these blogs. This month, for example, I'm quite busy so, by way of relief, rather than do any thinking, I've just had some fun turning a sketch I wrote ages ago for our Festival Fringe show into blank verse. In case it's not obvious, it's supposed to be funny. It might help if you imagine hearing it in the posh Edinburgh accent used by my wife when she performed the original.

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

(Enter Lady Macbeth with dog.)

To Birnham Wood I come with my wee dog

That he may run in Nature’s bosky glades.

(To the dog)

Away now, cur. Disport thee at thy will

Whiles I reflect on what this week may bring.

(Exit dog.)

I am not sorry to quit Dunsinane,

There is such brash kerfuffle at the news

Of good King Duncan’s plans to stay a while.

I doubt it will be more than just one night

But cryptic notes from my dear Lord – he’s Thane,

You know, of Glamis – insist the king has made

Him Thane of Cawdor, too. What smashing news.

There’s nothing like an extra Thanedom when

You’re keen on keeping up with the MacDuffs.

However, all is not as it would seem.

My Lord insists he met three ancient crones

Whose mien and whose bizarre accoutrements

Suggest to me they come from Morningside.

And these three persons prophesied a bit

Then vanishèd into the darkening air.

A likely story, you may think, but then,

You do not know his Thaneship’s little ways.

He is obsessed with psychic premonitions.

At breakfast, every day, he eyes his porridge,

Then turns his gaze to me and he’s aghast

To feel once more the fear of déjà vu.

But anyway, it seems these wifies said

That my dear husband would be Scotland’s King.

And he’s asked me should he accept or not.

That’s typical! The man has no ambition,

Nor any drive. Without me, he’d be lost.

Just last week, on the day before the battle,

At dead of night came he into my room - 

I was awake, just having a wee wash.

He asked, ‘Fiona, dear, when’s Banquo due?

And how about Macduff? And when’s the battle?’

 I said ‘Tomorrow and tomorrow and

Tomorrow.’ And of course, that Banquo came

With all his silly games and jokes. He spoiled

A lovely dinner party. I suppose

He thinks it’s funny but it’s really not.

It costs a fortune to use so much ketchup.

Ah well, no matter. Time for me to go.

I must be getting back before it’s dark

Our stupid porter takes so long to ope the gate.

Now, where’s that doggie got to. Spot! Here Spot!

(Exit in search of dog.)